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Random #2: A Depressive Post

I don't know how to deal with all this feelings that is coming to me all at once. All those sadness, disappointment, anger, I don't know what to do with it. I'm drowning.

And do you know what's worst? 

Dealing with it all alone. Not a single friend knows and fuck, they don't care. Why would they anyway? I'm not important. 

My existent is just the same like that plastic bag. Unwanted. 

I have a best friend. But he's busy all the time. My gut keeps telling me that he's changed and I don't know how to adapt with that. I feel like I lost him. It's probably my fault for expecting him to talk to me all the time. We tried to talk about this back then but it was never solved. Now, I keep it all to myself and never say a word.

I just don't know what to do with my life anymore. I mean, everyone else seems to have their own busy life. I tried to something that makes me happy but alone? Doing it all alone will it make me happy? I have nobody to chat with. It would be just nice when someone listens to you isn't it? I play games but I feel so lifeless because it doesn't engage me with any social acts. 

My suicidal thoughts has gone beyond control. It's now happening almost everyday. If a knife doesn't work, I have so many other back up plans like a haircut scissors or runnning into a traffic and get hit by a car or something. Sometimes I feel like poking my eyeballs with a fork so I can be blind forever and be done with it. 

They said life is so much more than just that so tell me about it. If life is so precious, then tell me how to change it?

Some even claimed that, I was just ioverthinking. Yes, I am. But I won't be overthinking bout it if I didn't feel it right? If people didn't treat me like a thrash in the first place, this wouldn't happen right? 

I can no longer decipher the truth and lies. 

Depression is now a person. I gave him a persona. The demon what it's being called. The demon grows bigger whenever I get upset and disappointed. It controls my mind and I don't give a fuck anymore. If he wanna invade my body, I'd let him because I don't wish to live anymore. 

 To those that read this to the end, thank you so much for your time. This post doesn't deserve an attention at all to be honest. To those who wanna proceed with negative comment, I suggest you stop and just close my blog. I am already full of negativity. I don't need more of it. 

I cannot find a way to describe it,
It's there inside; all I do is hide,
I wish that it would just go away,
What would you do, you do, if you knew,
What would you do

All the pain I thought I knew,
All the thoughts lead back to you, 
Back to what was never said, 
Back and forth inside my head,
I can't handle this confusion,
I'm unable; come and take me away

I feel like I am all alone,
All by myself I need to get around this,
My words are cold, I don't want them to hurt you, 
If I show you, I don't think you'd understand,
Cus no one understands

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